Greek Yogurt
by gluten elbows
Summary: For Octavian, this was the last straw. Yes, he supposed that the Greek and Roman demigods had united to defeat Gaia. Yes, centuries of tension between the two groups was finally beginning to settle. But serving greek yogurt in the roman dining pavilion? Not under his watch. -A collection of one-shots featuring our least favourite legacy and his encounters with greek products.-
1. Greek Yogurt

**A/N: This one-shot has been in my system for a while now… Please review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the PJO characters, setting or events. All greek yogurt goes to Octavian.**

**Greek Yogurt**

For Octavian, this was the last straw. Yes, the Greek and Roman demigods had united to defeat Gaia. Yes, the two camps were now joined. Yes, centuries of tension between the two groups was finally beginning to settle. But serving greek yogurt in the dining pavilion? Not under his watch.

The morning had started off well enough. Dressed in his glorious robes of white pristine bedsheets, he had made his way to the temple of Jupiter with a bag filled of stuffed animals. The sun seemed to shine on his back as he journeyed across the camp, a clear sign that Apollo favored him more than the other legacies of the god of music and medicine. After all, he _was_ pretty fabulous if he said so himself.

About halfway to the temple, he came across one of the girls from First Cohort, Livia. Octavian puffed out his chest and strutted by her, feeling rather pleased as she giggled and muttered under her breath. Something about... delusional? No... delicious! Yes, he was quite delicious!

He finally arrived at the Temple, feeling the power that flowed through his veins as he walked up the steps of the gold building. The domed ceiling that soared sixty feet into the sky seemed to bend to Jupiter, the optimus and maximus. He walked to the altar and brought out the sacrifices, lining them up on the floor.

Basking in the light provided by the windows, he slowly unsheathed his knife.

"Who goes first?" he asked the fluff-filled menaces, an insane grin overtaking his features. Just as he had selected the little green Minotaur in his little green diaper, Dakota (that unimportant drunk Fifth Cohort leader) came bursting through the doors, kool-aid flask in hand.

"Reyna w..wants to see ya," he slurred, before passing out. Octavian made a disgusted face; another mess someone needed to clean up.

_Meh, _he thought, _I'll let one of the newbies deal with it._

Knowing that an angry Reyna was a scary Reyna, he quickly decapitated the Minotaur and read the entrails. He gasped in horror.

_The two unite, and destiny is at peace_, it read. But... where was the angst? The bloodshed? The betrayals? This was going to be a very long day.

Once he finally reached Reyna, she wasn't very happy. Chewing decisively on those jellybeans on her desk, she glared at him as her horrendous dogs growled.

"Hello Octavian," she said. "I want a report on the entrails of the past week."

Ooh! A chance to create conflict!

"Well," he began dramatically, flinging his arms around for effect. "I have news."

Reyna motioned for him to continue, seizing him up through slitted eyes.

"Those traitorous _greeks," _he spat, "want to kill everyone, take over the world and-"

"Octavian, you said that last week. And the week before that."

"Yes but..."

"No buts. Get me a valid report. Better sooner than later."

With that, she casually took out her sword and picked out dirt from under her fingernails.

"Yes Mam," he huffed, and walked away.

Octavian walked to the dining pavilion, musing over possible ways to destroy the greek camp. After all, this relationship between the two groups was new and fragile. It should be simple to create unease and mistrust. But how?

He grabbed a bagel from an aura, oblivious to the stares and remarks he received from the others in the Legion. He finally decided that murdering that annoying Leo child would be the most strategic move when...

He screamed. Sitting on many of the tables in the hall were containers of yogurt. Low-fat, gluten-free yogurt. But most importantly, _greek_ yogurt!

"WHAT IS THAT?" he screeched, pointing to the hazardous food. "HOW FAR HAVE THE GREEKS INFILTRATED OUR LEGION? IS THIS WHAT WE'VE COME TO?

By now, the room was silent, amusedly watching Octavian rant. Some demigods, presumably offsprings of Mercury, had whipped out video cameras.

"WHEN WILL THIS END? THIS COULD VERY WELL BE THE END OF ROME, OH COMRADES! YOU DARE DISHONOR OUR ANCIENT GODS WITH THIS... THIS DAIRY PRODUCT?

In a display of his hatred for the breakfast dish, he took his sword and slashed the container, flinging the substance all over the hall (and therefore, the demigods). Reyna ran in, to see the legion reduced to squabbling, yogurt covered kids as the fought over who's turn it was to punch Octavian.

_Meh, _she thought, _I'll let one of the newbies deal with it. _

**_Please review! Or Octavian shall be forced to consume the dairy product!_**


	2. Eos Lip-Balm

**A/N So it turns out this fanfic won't be limited to a one-shot (it's just too much fun mocking Octavian. If you have anymore ideas****…**** Greek ideas****…**** to torment Octavian, leave me a review please!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the PJO characters, settings or events. All Eos lip-balm goes to Reyna.**

Octavian knew the day was going to go horribly wrong when the daughters of Venus started giggling. Because of that, he ran to Jupiter's temple as fast as he could, barricaded the doors and promptly prepared for 12 hours stuck inside.

He suppose he should have expected for disaster to strike today; after all, it was one of the few free days per year that the Legion had "off" (or at least after a few hours of brutal training and in his case, bossing people around). Frankly, he'd been wishing for a few peaceful hours spent decapitating stuffed animals, plotting the downfall of the Greeks, oh, and did he mention _plotting the downfall of the Greeks? _But nope, now he was fearing for his life.

Outside, he could still hear the little sirens squealing, their goddess of love heritage allowing their giggles to reach frequencies high enough to be barely audible by the demigod ear. Each shriek caused him pain... during the other days of the year, he usually was spared of their torturous wails (save if they were gossiping about some couple called Percabeth) which left him unprepared mentally and physically for the days they let their ear-bleeding screeches ring around the roman camp. When he had previously confronted Reyna about it, she glared at him (no surprise there) and told him she wasn't going to mess with Venus or any of her spawns. When he asked if that was because of Jason breaking her heart and yada yada, she sent her dogs after him which lead to a lovely afternoon being chased until they managed to "accidentally" push him off a cliff. If that wasn't enough, he suspected she was the one who had bribed the children of Mercury to pull a select few pranks on him involving knife-bearing stuffed animals and a toga filled with holes. Needless to say, now that he'd gotten a taste of her revenge, he wasn't going back.

He spent the first hour hiding in a corner of the temple, straining to hear what they were gossiping about. From what he'd gathered, they were playing a game called "truth or dare" and it had since resulted in a break-up, multiple make-overs, a most-likely fatal attempt to seduce Reyna and an overflowing bath-house. Yes, he was _not _leaving the temple anytime soon.

"Truth or dare, Livia?" he heard Elatha ask, her sickly-sweet voice filled with hidden plans of humiliation. Octavian strained to listen closer, trying to ignore how his heart sped up a fraction of a second at the thought of the First Cohort girl. After all, she was a _First Cohort girl. _Not some loser in the Fifth Cohort! And he _knew _she was totally into him. Although, if he was honest with himself, who _wouldn't _be into him! He was just so awesome!

Said girl groaned, clearly uncomfortable with the giggles that greeted her decision of dare.

"Wait... oh you _better not, _Ela, _I am not becoming bait for pranking that delusional, pig-headed..."_

_"__Yes you are! Oh, and you need to flatter him, and you need to ki..."_

_"__WHAT!"_

Octavian, of course, had heard none of that, too deep in thought pondering his awesomeness, and how it was so unfortunate he couldn't date himself.

~ One hour later... ~

Octavian had kept listening as the game went on, not quite paying the same amount of attention as he kept getting distracted with his gorgeous, gleaming reflection on the polished marble floors. Finally, a knock sounded on the locked door.

Octavian didn't answer purely out of fear... errr, honor, that is! Yes, the honor that held him to protect the temple from... whatever was outside.

"Octavian," a feminine voice called out, "I know you're in there."

"Livia?" he called, unsure of whether it was really those Venus scums using their strangely convincing voices to lure him outside. "Is that you?"

"Yes. Now open the bloody door or I'm going to break it down."

_Well someone's anxious to see me, _he thought with a smirk. _She just can't stay away! I'm too amazing!_

Quickly, the legacy took down the barricade and opened the temple door to reveal an annoyed and slightly disgusted Livia.

"Oh hello Octavian, your... greatness," she began, the words coming out of her mouth like vomit as she choked them out.

_Aw how sweet, she thinks I'm so fabulous she's getting nervous and stuttering!_

"Hello Livia! Is my service required, or shall I return to my extremely important analysis of the messages of the gods and saving the world?"

_Wow, she looks ready to run away. She must think my work is so important she feels sorry for interrupting! Wait... did she roll her eyes? Nah. She must be cleansing her retina so she can take in my glory with more precision. Yes, that's it!_

_"_Well... I was... dared by the Venus campers to kiss the most attractive and amazing boy at camp. So... ya."

Livia quickly pecked his cheek before running off, leaving a gloating and rather confused Octavian behind. In fact, he was so deep in thought he didn't notice her hurl in a rose bush.

_She's so lucky to have kissed me, _he thought, _but what's that smell?_

Sure enough, a strange mint odor hung in the air from her kiss... the scent of lip-balm.

"Oh Octavian!" Elatha's voice rang out charmingly. "Did Livia kiss you?"

"Yes..." he replied warily; you never knew with these Venus campers. What if they wanted to kiss him too? Yuck, they were _not _from the First Cohort.

"Was it nice? Did it smell minty fresh?"

Octavian narrowed his eyes.

"Perhaps you'd like to see the lip-balm she used."

Elatha threw him a blue circular-shaped lip-balm, which seemed harmless until...

"HOW COULD YOU? A... AN _EOS_ LIP-BALM? NAMED AFTER A GREEK GODDESS? UHH GET IT OFF!"

Octavian, who had long since flung the eos lip-balm back at the daughters of Venus, made a mad dash to the bathhouse, where he was reminded that it was flooded. _No matter, _he thought, _I must get this traitorous greek cosmetic product off my dashingly roman face! _He plunged into the water, resembling a drowning kitten as he violently scrubbed his cheek in an attempt to erase all trace of the clear mint lip-product. Outside the rest of the Legion roared with laughter as they watched him flail around. Oh course, that caught the attention of Reyna.

She walked over to where he was still flopping around, before pinning him in the chest with her boots.

"Have you learnt your lesson? Don't mess with me, Octavian," she said with a smirk, and pulled out an eos lip-balm.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," he screamed as she applied it generously to his face.

**Please review. Or Octavian will be cursed with chapped lips (by Venus of course) until he puts on the balm.**


	3. Nikes Sneakers

A/N Here's another chapter! I know Rick Riordan *coughcoughImeanPercy*already made a jab at this, but I couldn't help myself. Anyways, if anyone can think of other greek products you'd like to be... tested... on Octavian, please leave a review!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events or settings from PJO.

They were THE SHOES. Gleaming white with black stripes, outshining all the other shoes in the sports store. A small black checkmark adorned the sides, the logo "Just Do It" hanging optimistically from a card attached to the glorious sneakers.

"Shut your mouth, you'll catch flies," Reyna said from behind him, and Octavian was brought back to the world of the busy mall. Why he was here was beyond him, but a couple of those blasted offsprings of Venus had used their sickly-sweet voices to convince some of them to go... shopping.

It was that time of year when a section of the Roman legion was sent to that (ew) greek camp, to _learn and forge a future together. _As if the mighty romans could ever learn anything from greek filth! Yet somehow he found himself here, _shopping _of all things. Beside him various (ew) greeks teenage boys mirrored his fearful look as the way too bossy females dragged them around the mall.

"Do you think I can slip past Piper without her noticing?" Jason whispered to Percy. Percy thought about it for a second.

"If you take me with you," he decided. Jason shook his head violently.

"As if! Annabeth will notice and we'll be screwed. Then they'll beat us up together. Or worse, drag us into Forever 21."

The boys shared a look of absolute horror before falling into a silent truce of not escaping.

_"_Cowards," Octavian commented to a random child of Mercury. "This is why we shouldn't interact with greek filth." The child quickly scuttled away from Octavian.

_Fine, _Octavian thought. _I'll just have to prove to these ignorant mortals that I'm brave. Pfft! If only there were gifted with enough brain cells to recognize my glory!_

Making sure the no one wasn't watching, he slipped into the shadows of an overcrowded Starbucks, holding his breath until the crowd of demigods was out of sight. And then...

_Wait, _he thought. _What do I do now? Wait at Starbucks? _The thought of those godly shoes led his feet in the direction of the sports store before he even knew he was walking.

"Welcome to Sports Check, can I help you."

"No."

An annoyed cough from behind him casually ordered him to turn around and face the owner of the noise. With a sign, Octavian turned around and-bowed.

"Excuse me, your amazingness, I did not means to be rude, just, well..." he started, before Venus held up a perfectly manicured hand and shut him up.

"Little roman," she began (and Octavian made an effort to stand up taller), "I've not come her for insult. Rather, the merciful part of me is here to... help a fashionably compromised lesser."

Venus sent a rather pitiful look at his shoes. Octavian didn't appreciate the look at his shoes. After all, they were shoes. Plain black sneakers. A little worn, sure, but shoes.

"I noticed that the pair over there has caught your attention," Venus said, nodding to the checked shoes.

"Well," Octavian began. "They are rather nice, but..."

"Consider it a gift from the most beautiful and humble being in this world."

"All right then." Instantly, the shoes appeared on his feet, and he strutted out of the store, eager to show his new footwear off to those pathetic Greeks. Why, he had _better shoes than Percy Jackson!_ He knew this day would come, but _gods, _this was the beginning of his "Destroy Greek Filth" movement! First, he would awe all mortals and half-bloods with his shoes. Next, he'd kill off Percy. And who would the Greeks follow after such a disruptment in their midst? Well, whoever had the best shoes, obviously! DGF had seen the dawn!

Eventually, he found the group of demigods at the entrance of the mall, almost ready to head back. Making sure to sway his hips and strut, he swagged his way over to them.

"What's wrong with Octavian," Jason whisper-yelled to Percy, who was also gawking at this strutting Octavian.

"I don't know dude-DUDE. Look at his _feet._" The two teenage boys bursted into a fit of giggles, muttering about... greek domination? What? No! _I always knew they were insane, _Octavian thought. Piper gave him a pitied expression.

"Um, Octavian. You need to know something," she began, unsure of how to break the news to him. He motioned for her to continue, while checking his reflection out (new footwear included) in a store window. "Well," she took a deep breath, "The brand of shoes you're wearing... it's called Nike."

Several things happened at once. To begin with, Octavian started screaming. Then Percy and Jason exploded into another fit of giggles. All the girls of the group slowly backed away from the (obviously) crazy males. Nike, greek goddess of victory, briefly looked up from Olympus to Earth, and felt a surge of pride for the shoes. Finally Octavian tried, with tears rushing down his face, to untie the shoes from his wondrous roman feet.

But alas, they were stuck. Sword, shield, scissors, or sushi wouldn't make the laces come undone. Octavian considered cutting off his feet, and Jason offered to help him do it. \Octavian ran into the nearest restaurant, searching desperately for a solution.

"Bro, we need to do this again," Travis Stoll said to his brother, glancing around the very packed Hermes cabin that crowded against a small TV.

"I know. Do you know how much cash we made tonight?" Conner replied, "Venus only asked for fifty drachmas and that you give your flower a flower. Who even talks like that, bro?"

Travis punched his brother. "Shut up."

"TRAVIS," a feminine voice called from the entrance of the cabin .

"Busted, bro," Conner said with a smug smile before escaping. Katie Gardener stormed up to Travis.

"Are you charging ten drachmas to let people watch Octavian try to get a pair of Nikes off his feet?" Travis nodded. She sighed.

"I kinda hate him, but isn't that a bit cruel? I mean, you saw the video of him freaking out over greek yogurt. Do you really think that Nikes won't make him go insane?"

"He _is_ insane."

"Touché. Wait, is that a zipper on his shoe?"

"Yup."

"Are you telling me he just needs to pull down the zipper?"

"Yup."

"So I'm guessing that sticking his feet into that wood oven isn't going to solve much."

"Nope."

A/N Well, I guess a bit of Tratie is good for the soul. Anyways, please review and leave more suggestions for greek products! Thanks to Cheorkee rememberer gamer98 for their great suggestion! That will be coming up soon... REVIEW OR ELSE OCTAVIAN WILL NOTICE THE ZIPPER!


	4. Greek Godly Quiz

A/N Since I got such great feedback (thank you to _everyone _who reviewed, followed or favorited) I have written another chapter! Thanks to Cheorkee rememberer gamer98 for his suggestions. It's rather great!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events or settings from PJO.

It had started off simple enough. Reyna had decided the Roman Legion should have a couple laptops in their possession, and had bought a few off that annoying Leo child. Now, the whole camp was very excited about this. Very excited. So of course, Octavian couldn't help it. He was not to blame, obviously. The dashing silver device was too alluring, the screen was too inviting. He typed in the password (_reynawillkillyouifyoudonthavepermissiontousethiscomputer), _feeling slightly disappointed that his suggestion for a password (_killthegreeksmwahhaha) _hadn't been chosen. But that disappointment was quickly forgotten as the screen lit up... and google chrome appeared.

Octavian had never really used computers. His life mostly consisted of, well, slaughtering stuffed animals, leading the pathetic sheeps called the Roman Legion, plotting the downfall of the Greeks and being freaking awesome. So he had no idea where to go first. He checked the computer's browser history, and saw a quiz had recently been played. What kind of quiz, you ask? Well, Octavian had no idea.

He clicked the link and promptly screamed. The link had lead him to a godly quiz. A _greek _godly quiz. But before he could run out of the small room, a siren wailed and flashing red lights flared within the room. He ran to the door, but alas, it was firmly locked. There was no escape.

"Sup Octavian?" a voice said from the screen of the laptop. Octavian turned around... and there it was. That irritating, explosive firing, _GREEK_ mechanic. It was the annoying _Leo_ child.

"Let me leave this room at once, _greek_," Octavian ordered. The son of Hephaestus simply laughed and shook his head.

"As if, bro. I've been waiting to annoy you for a while. Did you know you're really fun to annoy? Your face gets all red and your left eye twitches and-see? You're doing it right now!"

_Gods darn it, the "Fear Me or Be Slaughtered" face isn't working, _Octavian thought.

"What do you want, filth?" he demanded. The Leo child grinned (fangirls all over the world fainted) in a rather maniacal way.

"Simple. Complete the quiz, the computer will send me a message, which will then trigger a reaction with the lever holding the celestial bronze in the lock which will cause it to unlock the door while putting your results up on the internet. _¿Entiendes?_

And here is where Octavian made the worse decision of his life. He should have waited in that room until starvation took him, until thirst stole the breath from his body, until _someone from the legion noticed he was gone _(Octavian mentally sighed at how incompetent they are). But no. The roman, tears caressing his face as he closed the space between the wretched machine in himself, took the greek quiz.

**What's your favorite color?**

_Why is this greek? Are the greeks trying to copyright colors now? Is this their scheme for taking over the world? Well...erm...yellow. Did I click yellow or pink? Wait, go back, go-_

**What exercise do you like?**

_Ordering and smiting people. What? That's not an option? But... ew! Physical activity! Well, running I suppose. Running in a majestic manner that makes everyone stare. _

**What is your favorite room?**

_Were rooms invented by the Greeks? Why is this relevant? What in the name of the Gods is a den? Oops, I clicked that, didn't I..._

**Are you a dude or dudette**

_What in the name of Jupiter does that mean? I'll go with dudette. It has more letters, therefore it must be superior. _

**Favorite bird?**

_EAGLE. Eagle. Perfect... wait, did I click DOVE? WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOO!_

**If your friend betrayed you, you would:**

_Ha ha ha friends. But beat him up sounds promising. _

**What is your favorite pastime.**

_Is destroying the greeks an option? No? Oh, well ruling the world is one. Meh, I'll choose that. _

**Wait while we process your results. **

"Did you have fun?" Leo child said from behind him. Octavian gave him a glare.

"That door better open the freaking _second _the results are processed or I'll gut you with a-"

**We have processes your results, Octavian. Congratulations, you are lllllllllllllllllll**

"WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! This is NOT possible!"

Aphrodite was having a ho-hum day. She lounged on her throne up in Olympus and painted her nails a pretty pink color as the other Olympians squabbled about... who knows? Meh, she didn't care. What did catch her attention was when an Iris Message appeared in the center of the throne room, where one of of Hephaestus' demigods was smiling in a slightly frightening way.

"Leo, my boy!" Hephaestus said with a smile.

"_Hola padre_, guess what I did!" Leo answered.

"No one cares, punk," Ares sighed, briefly looking up from flexing his muscles. Leo shook his head.

"Even if the roman augur-yes, the crazy descendant of Apollo that cries when anything greek is in his proximity-just completed a greek god quiz online?"

This caught more of the gods' interests, but Athena didn't look convinced.

"Logically, as a descendant of Apollo, he will receive Apollo as his answer," she drawled in a monotone voice, eyes glued to a book.

Leo laughed and shook his head. " I believe the results were... unexpected."

The Iris Message changed to show the Roman Legion looking up to big billboards outside their bathhouses, where results from were posted for someone by the name of Octavian. Octavian was trying hopelessly to destroy the metal structures with his weak limbs while the romans were rolling on the ground with laughter, or leaning on each other for support as they wiped the tears of mirth out of their eyes.

**We have processes your results, Octavian. Congratulations, you are Aphrodite.**

Everyone on Olympus looked to Aphrodite. Was she going to smite Octavian? Was she going to punish the Romans for laughing at her name?

"SMITE THEM!" Ares demanded, his eyes gleaming at the prospect of blowing up little romans. Aphrodite thought for a moments.

"Nah, my nails are drying. Wouldn't want to smite the romans and smudge my nail polish! Now _that _would be a tragedy," she decided. "However..."

Aphrodite snapped her fingers, and Octavian received an unwelcome makeover. His hair grew to his waist, his dashing toga was replaced by a gorgeous ball gown, and his face... well, there wasn't much the goddess of beauty could do about his face, but she made a valiant effort. At least now, there was so much foundation, concealer, mascara and lipstick that you couldn't really see it. Octavian promptly tried to wash it off with Dakota's Kool-Aid and the legion bursted into another fit of laughter.

"Meh, I tried," Aphrodite said, before adding a second coat of polish to her nails.

**A/N REVIEW OR KOOL-AID WILL BECOME AN EFFECTIVE MAKE-UP ****REMOVER****. COMMENT GREEK IDEAS/TORTURE FOR OCTAVIAN, OR TELL ME HOW YOU LIKE THE FANFIC SO FAR. **


	5. NYX Eyeshadow

**A/N Again, thanks for the many reviews and suggestions! I can't wait to try them all out (oh, the possibilities are ****_endless...) _****so I'll be updating as much as possible. Here's a hint: keep bugging me about updating so my procrastination is limited. You guys are great. Anyways, thanks to Jazzy Amythest for this idea!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events or settings from PJO. **

Target, the retailing company, had always scared Octavian. It was big. It was loud. He once got lost in it when he was a kid and cried for three hours-never mind that, it really doesn't help with the plot. The point was, Octavian avoided entering Target. Including the terrifying red and white target that he once witnessed being struck by an arrow that came from a large metal pigeon in the sky (it almost hit him). _Yes, _he was sane, thank you very much, and _no_, you shouldn't listen to anyone/everyone who disagrees. Yet here he was, Target's large entrance looming over him as Piper the _greek, _Annabeth the _greek _and Reyna the _greek-contaminated-roman_ pulled him in.

Octavian really didn't appreciate being cursed. Or "beautified," as Aphrodite phrased it. His waist-length straw hair still hung limply, no matter how many times he cut it. His dress still reappeared, no matter how many times he changed. And his face was still gunkified in make-up, no matter what he used to take it off (please do note that Kool-aid and bleach are not effective make-up removers. Especially not the bleach.)

Then came the quest from the entrails of one of the Webkinz stuffed animals (a platypus, if you must know) that informed him that he must "_enter where the hunter's target is painted in red, and coat thine eyes in the glimmer of darkness" _if he hoped to change himself back into his glorious form. Effectively, that translated into going to Target. The whole blab about darkness, he hadn't figure out yet.

"OCTAVIAN HURRY UP OR I WILL GUT YOU WITH A SPOON," Reyna shouted from inside the automatic doors, throwing a shopping basket at the augur's head. Octavian stumbled forwards into the store before falling into a shopping cart which was then pushed by Piper.

"EXCUSE YOURSELF, GREEK, I AM THE MIGHTY AUGUR OF THE ROMAN LEGION, I DEMAND YOU LET ME OUT OF THIS-" Octavian crumpled into unconsciousness as Annabeth hit his head with her backpack.

"Was that really necessary?" Piper asked, looking at the now unconscious Roman in her shopping cart. Annabeth shrugged.

"He was disrupting my thinking process. Anyways, so... darkness," Annabeth mumbled from the store directory, thinking hard about what the quest's words meant. (Frankly, she had better ways to spend her Saturday *coughcoughwithPercy* but since the Romans were so desperate to have Octavian back to his normal form due to the increased hideousness of his face that apparently made their eyes bleed, she figured she could earn some brownie points for the greeks if she helped the legion in this time of need. Then again, throwing Octavian off a cliff would really help with the politics, but she wasn't one to use outright murder. Well, other than _the incident_ but really, that was all Percy's fault, as usual.)

"What do we use to cover our eyes?" She asked Reyna and Piper. "What in this store could we use?"

"Sunglasses maybe?" Piper suggested. "They make things darker, simply speaking."

Three hundred pairs of sunglasses later, Octavian's "beautified" crumpled figure was still in their shopping cart. Eventually, the girls gave up on being clever and aligning with the prophecy, and just put everything on his face (black paint, clothing, sharpies, black licorice (ect)).

"Annabeth, what do we do?" Piper asked, exhausted. Annabeth looked around the store. What had they used? Food, _check._ Furniture,_ check._ Technology, _check._ Clothing, _check._ Cosmetics, che-wait, no! They hadn't been there yet.

"To make-up, fellow comrades."

Products piled up on the floor, broken bottles, empty spray cans, tubes of lipstick, mascara wands and streams of nail polish.

"Maybelline's foundation?" Annabeth asked from the pile she was perched on.

"We've tried it," Piper replied from lying on the floor.

"Revlon's lipstick?" Annabeth prompted.

"All 82 shades," Reyna muttered from sitting dejectedly amid a stack of hairspray cans.

"Covergirl mascara?" Annabeth sighed sadly.

"Face it Annabeth, we've tried everything," Piper said.

With the shattered last shred of hope within her, she scanned the make-up aisle, which lay in ruins. All, except...

"YOU IDIOTS! LOOK AT THE BRAND OVER THERE."

All three girls sprinted to the small stand that stood in perfect condition in the corner, and picked up a random product.

"NYX's "Onyx" roll on eye shimmer. _Perfect," _Annabeth cackled, grabbing a bottle before sprinting to Octavian, and generously coating the powder on his eyes. The girls held their breath... and...

The room exploded into a swell of darkness which formed into the figure of a woman riding on a chariot led by horses.

"Greeting mortals."

Annabeth gasped. "Nyx?"

"The greek goddess of darkness, right?" Reyna whispered behind Annabeth to Piper, who nodded.

"Yes half-bloods, that is who I am." Nyx replied with a bored expression, as if she was used to consuming Target with darkness and dealing with incompetent demigods on a weekly basis.

"Do you think she owns the make-up brand?" Piper whispered back to Reyna. Nyx perked up at the mention of the make-up company, and even her horses seemed to smile a little bit. They still looked intent on eating the girls, but as if it actually appealed to them.

"Indeed. My cosmetic company appreciates delivering quality cosmetics for low prices to the mortal population. It also allows me to dominate the fashion scene."

"Umm, okay. Why are you here, if I may ask?" Annabeth asked, elbowing Reyna and Piper into silence.

"I've come here to... _fix _the roman augur in your possession. He will be returned to you in a short period of time."

"He's yours," the three girls shouted, pushing the shopping cart containing the unconscious Octavian towards the voice and running out of the store laughing like they were insane.

Nyx sighed as she looked at the roman, and turned to her horses.

"There is only so much a primordial goddess can do about a face like that."

**A/N REVIEW OR OCTAVIAN WILL RULE TARTARUS AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD. DO YOU HATE THIS STORY? DO YOU ENJOY IT? SHOULD I KEEP GOING?**

**AS WELL, WHO GOT THE REFERENCE TO THE TITAN'S CURSE? (*)**


	6. Achilles Inflatables

**A/N OH. MY. GODS. You guys have been utterly fantastic with your ideas (I will hopefully be doing all of them, one way or another.) Anyways, I will now be posting a lot more since exams are done and I'm freeeeeeeeee. And since long author notes are boring, let's get on with the story!**

**Oh right, and this fantastic idea is from "myself" (a guest reviewer). Thanks!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events or settings from PJO.**

Percy Jackson was arguing with Annabeth. Now this (of course) was very much against his principles, as _nobody _ever won an argument with Annabeth, but if he lost...

"PERSEUS JACKSON I DON'T CARE AWHAT YOU WANT! I HAD TO BABYSIT HIM LAST TIME!"

_Oh no, now she's brought out her knife. _

"I SPENT HOURS, **HOURS **IN TARGET WITH THE AGGRAVATING ROMAN, THERE IS NO WAY IN_ HADES_ I'M DOING IT AGAIN."

_And she's taking aim._

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO WHAT I'M SAYING?'

_There's a knife near my face. There's a knife near my face. There's a knife near my face. There's a kn-_

"SO YOU'LL DO IT?"

_Wait, what did she say? Oh quick, smile and nod. _

Annabeth smiled sweetly and skipped away, twirling her knife.

_No. There is no way that just happened. No no no nononononononoo..._

___LATER THAT DAY_

Octavian waited impatiently at the entrance of the greek camp, his lips curled in disgust as he surveyed the scene in front of him. His caravan had just arrived from San Francisco, a small portion of the roman legion coming to New York for a one week exchange with the greeks. The names of the people chosen to go were picked randomly (though he personally believed something was off, with the picking names "randomly" out of a hat all done by children of Mercury...) and within a few minutes, everyone had settled into the camp, laughing and joking and _unromaning _around_._

Percy Jackson came running towards the roman augur, only to be greeted with a glare.

"Sup bro?" the son of Poseidon asked, in a desperate attempt to sound civil. It didn't work.

Octavian made an effort to look as regal as possible, stretching his back and putting his nose in the air. "I assume they've sent you to retrieve me and show me the way to my... servant for this disgusting 'exchange'?"

Percy looked uncomfortable, and scratched his head awkwardly. "About that... looks like you and I've been paired up."

Octavian blinked. He blinked again. He blinked some more. "Excuse me?"

Percy shuffled a bit. "If it makes you feel better, I don't like it anymore than you."

Octavian stared at him. "You're a_ greek_. I don't care about your emotions or feelings or pathetic human qualities."

Percy sighed, his temper slowly building up. "Okay, buddy-"

"Call me buddy again and I'll skin you alive and wear your flesh as a cape."

"-There are two ways we can do this. One, we go along with the schedule, and don't kill each other. Two, we try to kill each other and get murdered by Annabeth. What do you want?"

In true roman fashion, Octavian planned to go down fighting. Just as he was about to take out his weapon and scream _¡Viva la revolución! _Annabeth and Reyna casually sauntered by, twirling sharp knives.

"Hello boys," Annabeth began, a scary smile plastered on her face.

"Fancy meeting you here," Reyna added, her face also stretched to a predatory grin.

"We just came here to practice-"

"-Our knife throwing," the two girls added

At that, they threw their knives at the same tree the boys were leaning against, barely an inch from their faces. Percy and Octavian gulped.

"Oh dear," Annabeth began, twirling another knife.

"Our aim was inaccurate," Reyna finished, smirking. They laughed insanely.

"Reyna dearest, you know what makes my aim precise?"

"What, Annabeth, dearie?"

"Anger. Like the anger I'd unleash if two idiotic teenage boys destroyed all the hours of negotiations, peace talks and bargaining we've put into starting a relationship between the greek and roman camp."

At that the two girls, turned to face them. And the two boys ran as fast as they could.

"SPRINT! SPRINT! GET TO THE βάρκα! GET TO THE βάρκα!" Percy yelled. Octavian didn't know what a βάρκα was, but he didn't care; he ran, not focussing on his surroundings as he tried desperately to escape the crazy female demigods. Were all girl halfbloods insane? Was it just the greek and greek-influenced ones? What about goddesses? Or was if the entire female population? Meh. To be safe, he decided to simply avoid _all _of them at all costs.

An engine noise tore he back to the present, and he realized he was no longer on land. No, all around him the ocean pushed and pulled, the beach of Camp-Halfblood nothing more than a distant shore. If he squinted hard enough, two figures with a blond head of princess curls and a mass of dark hair plaited into a single braid waved at him. He blinked. _Waved. _He blinked. _Waves. _He blinked. _He was in the ocean. In a SHIP. On a _βάρκα. A βάρκα that was most certainly greek.

Octavian started screaming about greeks βάρκες, and dived into the ocean against Percy's protests. He fell silent as he then realized several things at once:

_One: _He was far from the shore.

_Two: _The distance from here to the shore would take at least an hour to swim.

_Three: _He didn't know how to swim.

Thus, the screaming and cursing began once again.

Percy didn't know what to do. Yeah, he might have _maybe possibly conceivably perchance_ forgotten that Romans hated the sea. After all, when Annabeth threatens to kill him, he instinctively runs to hide in ocean and make himself a shield of live fish. But really, was the diving into the ocean and refusing any of Percy's help a tad dramatic on Octavian's part?

"HELP I CAN'T SWIM-NO, NOT FROM _YOU,_ YOU DISGUSTING GREEK! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? NOT YOU GREEKLING, GO AWAY! HE_LLLLLLLLO_?" Octavian blubbered as he bobbled at the ocean's surface.

Percy sighed. Then, an idea struck him. A... _genius idea. _

"Alright buddy," Percy said, dodging the stuffed eel that was flung in his direction (but really, how in _Hades _did Octavian do it? Did he have an endless supply in his robes, or did he summon them or did... Oops, the roman sunk again). Percy fished him out, only to be nailed in the eye with a plush shark. He sighed again. "I'm going to leave with my greek presence and my greek ship. I'll leave you with the emergency lifeboat, so you can get back to shore. Alright?" Octavian was still screaming. Percy took that as a yes, and flung the boat into the water.

"Bye, Octavian," Percy said as he sailed back to shore, satisfied when he saw Octavian clamor onto the inflatable device. He turned back, just as a stuffed Nemo plushy to crash into his head from Octavian's direction.

**"****διάολε!"**

Octavian sat stiffly at the front of the boat, glaring at the water in the most intimidating way possible when he was soaking wet and shivering. A big wave hit the boat, spraying his face and leaving him sputtering (he swear he heard high-pitched laughter).

It was then, 20 meters to shore, that Octavian noticed something about the making of the lifeboat.

"Achilles? ACHILLES? NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!"

The roman and greek camp watched on the beach as Octavian flung himself back into the sea and flailed as he tried not to drown.

"Should we help him?" Piper inquired to Reyna, her morals protesting hesitantly as the camps laughed and filmed and ate popcorn as Octavian panicked and screeched about greek domination.

"Nah," the roman replied. "I'm betting in thirty minutes he'll realize that if he stands up, the water's only up to his waist."

Annabeth shook her head. "I'm betting an hour."

**A/N REVIEW OR OCTAVIAN LEARNS TO SWIM AND REALIZES HE DOESN'T NEED TO. DO YOU LIKE THE STORY? DESPISE THE STORY? LOVE THE STORY? LET ME KNOW SO OCTAVIAN'S SUFFERING CAN BE ENDED OR CONTINUED. **


	7. Greek Salad with Naiads

**A/N I've come to the conclusion there are so many edible greek products (suggested by my lovely reviewers) that could be used as bait. Alas, here is a short chapter dedicated to those faithful people who have commented on my work, and especially **Socially Awkward Taco **and** warriors1011**for the ideas inspiring this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events or settings from PJO.**

**HEADS UP: IF WE REACH 80 REVIEWS, THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL CENTER AROUND SOME MAJOR ****SOLANGELO****! (solangelo + torturing octavian = perfection)**

Octavian was convinced he was dead. A peaceful darkness loomed around him, the gentle trickling of waterfalls filled his ears and he was feeling pleased with the fact that his heroic death in a battle against the ocean _must _have lead to the roman legion declaring war on the greek camp. (For the record, the two camps were currently holding a fiesta and bathing themselves in greek yogurt to celebrate. But Octavian didn't need to know that.)

Then Octavian heard the laughter. Not his majestic manly laughter, not Reyna's psychopathic giggles, not even the Venus spawns' screeches. No. This laughter was soft and feminine, beckoning him to open his eyes.

He was greeted with the sight of a lush oasis. Palm trees lulled lazily in the breeze, a crystal clear waterfall ran smoothly and he found himself in a (very) comfortable hammock. Around him, beautiful naiads were gathered, diving into the pools of water, talking amongst themselves and fanning him with giant leaves. He knew he was a chick magnet, but _what. What. What. _

"He's awake!" A redhead cried out as his eyelids flickered around the scene, causing everyone to stop and turn towards him.

Octavian was startled as the naiads abruptly ran around, putting cutlery on a large table that was dragged in by a beautiful brunet. He was hauled by a dark-haired girl into a seat at one of the ends. Soon, the table was covered in plates bearing elegant salads, and pitchers full of alluring lemonade. His mouth watered.

_When was the last time I ate? A few hours after I died? Am I dead? _

He heard the naiads laugh, and flushed (internally, of course. Proper romans are never embarrassed.) as he realized he had said his last thought out loud.

"No, augur, you are not dead," a blond naiad at the other head of the table announced, her fingers weaving flowers into her braided crown. "I am Odessa, and my friends and I found you submerged in the river bed close to here. But fear not, you have not perished by the ocean's hand."

"_Yet,"_A naiad with light brown hair whispered, and the naiads laughed as their eyes twinkled with a scary determination. Octavian was too busy ogling at the food to notice.

A ginger naiad approached him. "May I serve you, my Lord?"

Octavian puffed up his chest, and arranged his face into an expression of manly indifference. "I suppose," he drawled.

Soon, crystal glasses glimmered with lemonade and plates were coated with layers of salad. Just as Octavian was ready to dig in, the head naiad put up her hand.

"Roman, we have a chant we must repeat before we eat. You may simply listen, but at the end you must say bow to the food and proclaim that you accept the chant. Do you understand?"

Octavian nodded hastily, his stomach _really _wanting the food at this point. And then the naiads began to sing.

~TRANSLATION~

Ω θεοί , ακούω μας άσμα (Oh gods, hear us chant.)

Ω θεοί , ακούω αλαζονικό μας (Oh gods, hear our rant.)

Για καραδοκεί στο τραπέζι μας (For lurking at our table)

Είναι το ρωμαϊκό νομίζαμε μύθος (Is the roman we thought fable.)

Στην πραγματικότητα μπορούμε (In truth, we thought him a story,)

Ηλιθιότητα συνέθεσαν ιστορίες της δόξας (His idiocy composed tales of glory.)

Γι 'αυτό εκπίπτει ως λύση (So we deduct as a solution.)

Καταδικάζοντας τον σε εκτέλεση (Condemning him to execution.)

At the end of their song, they all turned towards Octavian.

"Yes, yes," he said, bowing pathetically at the salad. "I accept the chant, blah blah I WANT FOOD!"

At that, everyone began to eat. Octavian was so absorbed into his food that he paid no mind to the occasional giggles at his oblivion to their greek chant, or to the food he was shoveling into his mouth. Finally, the food disappeared, and Odessa announced he was to depart.

"Noble roman," she began (ignoring the not-so-subtle coughs behind her). "It is time to send you back to your comrades. We will provide you with a boat, and you may sail back to the greek shore."

At this Octavian looked up harshly. "A boat? I _hate _the ocean! It's... It's so _greek_! It's big. It's ugly. I mean, have you seen what lives down there? My eyes are bleeding just thinking about it!" Octavian ranted, not paying attention to the naiads (_ocean_-born naiads) that were starting to sharpen weapons or kill him with their eyes.

At this, they slowly started to advance towards him.

"There is some information we'd like to bring to your attention," Odessa began, pulling out a sharp sword-fish bill.

"To start," the redhead muttered, "We are _greek_ _ocean _naiads."

Octavian paled as they (and their weapons) took a step forwards.

"Secondly," the brunet said. "We've been feeding you greek salad and Calypso lemonade."

Octavian paled and hurled in the boat.

"Thirdly," the dark-haired naiad interrupted, "You agreed to our greek chant about condemning you to execution.

Octavian paled. And paled. And screamed in a very inroman manner as they shoved him into the little boat and left him stranded in the in the sea, just close enough to see the beach of Camp Halfblood.

The naiads partied late into the night.

"Odessa," the redhead asked. "We got that on camera, right?"

Odessa sent her a smile. "Of course, darling! Nothing ever happens here. I'm thinking of using it as possible movie material on a rainy day."

"And we sent a copy to Juniper? So they can play it at the greek camp?" The brunet inquired.

Odessa nodded. "Including the extra footage of him deliriously muttering about chapped lips."

**A/N AS I SAID, MAKE IT TO 80 REVIEWS AND A SOLANGELO CHAPTER SHALL BE COMPRISED. **

**REVIEW OR OCTAVIAN WAS SIMPLY HALLUCINATING THIS ENCOUNTER!**


	8. Solangelo Part 1

**A/N 90 reviews, rather than 80! We made it, folks! I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed, favourited, followed and read this story; the support has been fantastic! Now, the next two chapters celebrates some major Solangelo, so if you don't like that ship, I'm sorry. Worst comes to worst, just mentally edit your OTP into the chapter, be it Percabeth, Caleo, Jiper, Frazel... A big thanks to both **Half-blood DNA **and **purplicouspolkadot. **Their idea was rather great, but will be more featured in the second part of the Solangelo section.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events or settings from PJO.**

**THIS WILL BE A TWO CHAPTER SERIES. REVIEWS KILL PROCRASTINATION. NEXT CHAPTER UP TOMORROW, HOPEFULLY. **

It was another (boring) godly meeting in Olympus. Therefore, not Apollo's fault. Things were almost done, and he couldn't_ help _but hear Aphrodite squeal. And _of course_ he perked up when she started yelling about Solangelo. (It may or may not be his OTP. He didn't expect his golden little Will and Death Breath's kid to fall in love, but hey, it was kinda cute. And just _think _about all of the juxtaposition opportunities. Light and darkness. Sun and night. Gold and-)

"THEY JUST KISSED OH MY GODS THEY KISSED SHRIEEEEEEK!"

The other gods subconsciously looked at Hades and Apollo. Hades had a dangerous look on his face. (On the inside, the god of the underworld was smiling and throwing rainbow confetti. Solangelo was most certainly his OTP. On the other hand, he was going into overprotective I-will-smite-you-and-send-you-to-Tartarus-without-a-liver mode concerning his least favorite and sunniest's nephew's son. He figured channelling that face was much more expected from the god of the dead.)

Apollo, on the other hand, had already whipped out his Solangelo fangirl shirt and was waving it like a flag.

"I have an announcement," the god said, smiling cheerfully. "To mark this joyous occasion, I have composed a haik-"

"NO!"

"NON!"

"¡NO!"

"нет"

Everyone turned to Demeter. She blinked. "What? Is there a problem with my russian?

Apollo coughed, unhappy to have the spotlight stolen from him. He stood up majestically, oblivious as everyone plugged their ears or attempted to escape.

"Solangelo, yes,

It may be my OTP.

I ship it so hard."

Athena was the first to recover. "Is that the first haiku you've ever written that doesn't center around yourself?" she mused.

Apollo paused. "Well that just won't do," he decided, ignoring the groans and grabbing of ear plugs.

"I am quite awesome,

Forever blessed and fabu.

Like Solangelo."

Aphrodite sighed dreamily. "They're, like, the new Percabeth." She squealed. "_Oh. My. Gods. _In, like, seven years, I'm going to get to _plan their wedding."_

Demeter shrieked. "And I'll arrange the flowers, some nice white roses and, _oh, _petunias and-"

"I'll orchestrate the wedding, _duh, _you know, being goddess of marriage and all-" Hera added.

Ares coughed. "And if anyone decides they have a reason Solangelo shouldn't be married, then well, I'll beat the punk to _pulp-_"

"I'm thinking a beach wedding. Nice Caribbean sand, gentle waves, nice sunset-" Poseidon mused.

"And _I'm _head of the clothing department, darlings." Aphrodite stated. 'Dark blue tuxes would look so sharp, maybe some empire waist dresses in nice white lace,-"

"I'm doing music and speeches, of course," Apollo decided. "A collection of haikus to commemorate their Solangelo feels throughout the years and-"

"STOP!" Hades demanded, holding his head as it throbbed. "What makes you think I'd even give Apollo's child _permission _to marry Nico?"

Everyone blinked.

"Unless," he began, "He completed a task. "Which, frankly, I doubt he'd be able to accomplish."

Apollo's eye twitched. (Athena resumed reading a book.)

"You know, being a sunny little medic and all."

Apollo's foot twitched. (Hermes hastily put back on his sound-blocking earbuds.)

"What does my son even see in him?"

Apollo's entire being twitched and began to shout.

"THAT'S IT! MY SON IS PERFECTLY CAPABLE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! At least he doesn't _brood_!"

Hades' eye twitched. (Zeus channelled his being into Jupiter, who was currently playing in a toy store in San Francisco.)

"And if he doesn't feel 'accepted,' at least he doesn't throw an angst-ridden temper tantrum!"

Hades' foot twitched. (Artemis notched her bow with an arrow to prevent the upcoming catastrophe)

"And, _at least he doesn't have an obsession with McDonald's Happy Meals."_

Hades shrieked. stood up indignantly and started yelling. "Oh no you _didn't!"_

Apollo stood up and proceeded to glare at the god. "Oh yes I _did!"_

"You know what, inferior nephew of mine," Hades decided. "I'm not sure I can let Nico continue to date your spawn."

Apollo huffed. "I agree, socially incompetent uncle of mine," he said. "Will is simply too precious for your son. Why don't you let him chase after Poseidon's kid again?"

"Don't bring me into this," Poseidon whispered, covering his face with his lucky fishing hat as two glares greeted him. "I'm just gonna leave now," he said, and turned into a fish.

Hades didn't bat an eye, and started bickering with Apollo. "Your son is oblivious."

"Your son is stubborn."

"Needlessly happy."

"Needlessly brooding."

"Needlessly cheerful."

"Needlessly angsty."

"Needlessly positive."

"Needlessly-"

"SHUT. UP," a feminine voice screeched by the fire, and the two gods turned to look at the one deity who's glare actually sent shivers down their spines.

"Honestly," Hestia said. "I leave to go shopping for fifteen minutes and you're ready to destroy my OTP." The two gods shrank back. "Do you care so little for your children's happiness?"

Hades and Apollo shared a sheepish look, prompting a snort from Athena.

"Darling," Hestia said in a sickly-sweet as she turned to face her. "Don't make me remind you of the list of three-hundred and seven reasons you sent to your daughter regarding why she shouldn't date Percy." Athena coughed, and continued to concentrate on her book.

Hades raised his hand meekly. "Erm, Hestia," he began as she nodded at him to continue. "I'm afraid I was only attempting to follow tradition."

Hestia raised an eyebrow. "Tradition?"

"Well, you see, whenever someone wants something from me, they need to complete a (practically) impossible task."

Hestia narrowed her eyes. Hades shivered.

"Well, think of Orpheus. If he wanted... what was her name..."

"Eurydice," Athena chimed.

"Yes, the dead one, he needed to walk back to the land of the living without looking back. Really, there are examples all across the millenniums."

Hestia thought for a moment. "I say we let King Zeus decide. Zeus? Should Will Solace need to complete a (practically) impossible task for Hades in order to continue courting Nico?"

(Aphrodite sighed. "Courting? _Courting? _Who, like, even _calls _it that anymore?")

Everyone turned to Zeus, who greeted them with a blank stare. Hermes waved his hand in front of his face, which didn't prompt a reaction.

"Zeus?" Hestia asked. No reaction. "ZEUS!"

Zeus unfroze and started to scream in a high octave. "Oh my GODS. It... IT WAS THE ROMAN. THE CRAZY ONE! I WAS PLAYING WITH MR. ALLIGATOR AT THE TOY STORE AND HE DECAPITATED HIM!"

Zeus continued screaming, paying no mind to the sniggers of Hermes and Ares.

"ZEUS!" Hestia stormed, and the god fell silent. "Yes or no?"

Zeus looked confused. However, being the majestic deity he was, he wouldn't _ask _what question he was answering. "...Yes?"

"I WIIIIIIIIIN!" Hades yelled. "I GET TO CHOOSE A TASK-!"

"-That I must approve of," Hestia ended. At Hades fallen face, she sighed. "He has to have _some _chance at completing it."

"So what is it, Death Breath?" Apollo questioned, glaring daggers at his father (really, _Dad, _could you not pay attention _once?)._

Hades lounged carelessly in his throne. "Well," he drawled. "There is a skull ring I'm just _dying _to own. Apollo's spawn needs to retrieve it for me..."

Apollo motioned for him to continue.

"...Accompanied by a certain legacy of Apollo."

Several godly heads whipped up. "You don't mean..." "No way" "This is going to be _hilarious."_

Apollo's eye widened. "Not..."

"The roman," Hades said, a smug expression on his face. "I do feel I'm forgetting something. Oh yes, the store."

"Apollo, tell Will that he and Octavian will be fetching the ring from the jewelry store Pandora."

All Hades broke loose.

**A/N I'm very sorry this chapter didn't feature much Octavian (slaughtering Zeus' stuffy aside.) Fear not, part two will have undivided attention on our least favorite legacy. Who noticed Hades' pun? It kinda just happened. **

**REVIEW OR HESTIA WILL BAN THE QUEST. **


	9. Solangelo Part 2

**A/N Over 100 reviews! Thanks, guys! I know you are all anxious for some wonderful Octavian torture, so lets get on with it. A big thanks to both Half-blood DNA and purplicouspolkadot. REVIEWS MERIT OCTAVIAN TEARS.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events or settings from PJO.**

Octavian may have screamed when his chicken noodle soup turned into a god. To be fair, he was already on edge, as the weather was strange (the heat was utterly scorching and he could have sworn he saw shadows laughing at the sun, but then again, he was rather dehydrated.) And most people aren't prepared when your comforting dinner food turns into a deity. But, really, who could be _sure _he screamed?

"Octavian," Apollo said in a emotionless tone, sunburning a few romans who attempted to eavesdrop, "I have a quest for you."

Octavian puffed up like a little bird. "An extremely important quest, I presume," the legacy said, already imagining the tales of his journey.

"Very much so," Apollo said tightly. He burnt another roman to quench his anger.

"And, pray tell, what would this quest be?" Octavian said.

Apollo winced. "Well, it's a long story."

(linebreak)

"...And that's when we're going to sacrifice you to our gods tonight, greek scum," Octavian chattered happily. Behind him, Will sighed tiredly. To be fair, this was a (very) difficult day. How many half-bloods need to complete (nearly) impossible quests for permission to date someone's son? And if that wasn't bad enough, it needed to be the God of Death. Wonderful. And Apollo wasn't making this any easier; was the _only _way he could convince Octavian to walk around San Francisco with him to tell him the Greeks had sacrificed one of their own to the Romans for a ritual? In Octavian's disturbed little mind, he was bringing Will around the city to point out all the little things in life that make Rome Superior ("See the planets in the sky? Those are named after _roman _gods, greek scum." "Dude, it's two in the afternoon. We shouldn't be able to see the planets. And didn't you know space doesn't exist? It's just the Mist." "Shut up, greek scum.). And, he believed that at four, he was going to get to sacrifice the _greek _to the gods. Really, it was a great day. Even if the sun was giving him a bit of a sunburn.

Will spied Pandora at the end of the street. As Octavian pratted along, Will stayed silent, until...

"Hey Roman, what about _that_ store?"

Octavian looked up, turning to face the jewelry store. "That's Pandora," he spat, moving onto the edge of the sidewalk, as far as he could be from the chain. "You probably know the story; your greek gods were stupid, they made a stupid box filled with stupid stuff and then, my favorite part of the story, a _stupid _greek opened the _stupid _box and gave the world all the _stupid-"_

An angry scream echoed from the store, and the ground of San Francisco began to shake.

"THAT. IS. BLOODY. IT!" Someone, something yelled, and all Will and Octavian recalled was the darkness and falling.

(line break)

When the boys woke up, they weren't in San Francisco. They were in a large cavern, utterly gleaming with earrings, necklaces, bracelets and brooches, organized in mounds all across the floor. In the center of the cavern was a jar-the largest jar they had ever seen.

"I'm a pithos," the jar muttered angrily, startling the boys. "Honestly, can anyone bother to get my name right? They remember Pandora, of course, but I'm just _the box. The jar. _I hate humanity."

"Always place faith in mortals, _pithos," _A voice said from inside the massive jar, taking the form of a faint glow.

"Shut _up, _Hope."

"And really, you can hardly complain when you don't get my name right," the glow sighed.

"Well, Elpis is a stupid name," the jar retorted.

Will coughed. "Um, where are we? he asked.

"Pandora's factory, half-blood," Hope chimed. "It's here she makes all the jewelry for her jewelry chain."

"And brings back people to kill," the jar added. This seemed to make Octavian jolt awake.

"Kill me? _Kill me? _Who does she think she is? She's nothing more than a foolish mortal that-"

"ARE THEY AWAKE YET?" A voice roared from somewhere. "CAUSE I NEED TO RANT AT THEM!"

The jar looked amused. "Yes, P."

And then, out from a pile of golden rings, came Pandora. She wasn't what the half-bloods were expecting, like a troll or big goblin. She was simply a normal sized mortal, with brown hair cascading down her back and eyes that screamed murder.

"Hello, half-bloods," Pandora said, glaring menacingly at them. "Do you know why you're here?"

Octavian was ready to leave. "Foul mortal, I demand you let us return at once! We have no time to waste on foolish girls like yourself-"

Pandora screamed, and the floor began to shake violently. "OH, BLOODY ORIGINAL. _PANDORA, YOU FOOL. PANDORA, YOU STUPID MORTAL. WHY WOULD YOU OPEN THE JAR AND UNLEASH MISERY ON MORTALS? _WHAT DID THE GODS EXPECT? ME TO LIVE MY LIFE NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS IN THE JAR?"

She screamed some more, causing the ground to continue shaking.

_"_I'VE TRIED TO SALVAGE MY NAME, STARTED A SUCCESSFUL COMPANY TO START MY LIFE AGAIN, BUT NO ONE CAN GET PAST THE FACT I OPENED THAT JAR! WE'VE ALL DONE STUPID THINGS! ALL OF US!"

Meanwhile, Will sneaked towards the pile of rings, looking desperately for a skull one. Octavian, however, did not like being told he had done stupid things.

"I don't have time for this mortal! Go and mess up the world some more!"

That did it. One second, Pandora was a normal, bloodthirsty human, the next, she had disappeared, and the pile of necklaces began to melt.

"Oh, he's done it now," the jar said, and inched away.

The metals then began to take on a shape. Slowly, the crept up, until the streams of gold, bronze and silver formed a giant snake. Octavian rolled his eyes.

"Impressive," he said sarcastically. Only to scream when the snake hissed and lunged at him.

Will had been able to remain awfully oblivious to the disaster during his hunt for the ring. And then he saw it, _it, _lying right next to the jar. The skull ring. He ran towards it.

Several things happened at once. The snake shot towards Octavian, swiping necklaces, earrings and unfortunately running half-bloods across the floor. On the positive side, Will flew several feet it the air, and landed exactly where he was headed. On the negative side, he smashed right into the jar, which shattered under the pressure. The cavern went silent.

"YOU. BROKE. THE. JAR." Pandora reappeared, looking fragile as she looked upon the ruins of her pithos. "THE. JAR. THAT. HOLDS. MY. ONLY. REDEEMING. POSSESSION."

"Oh please," Octavian added. "That thing was as hideous as your face."

And, as the snake closed in to devour Octavian, Hope (now free) grabbed Will and the skull ring before Pandora could smite them. _There's no hope for the roman, _Elpis decided.

(line break)

All was normal on Olympus. The sun was warm and sunny, death was brooding, and all the Olympians were smiling as Will tossed the skull ring at Hades.

"B-but..." Hades stumbled. "How did you do it?"

Will smiled innocently and went to kiss Nico. Somewhere far away, Octavian was yelling as he was eaten by a metal snake.

**REVIEWS MEAN OCTAVIAN TEARS! GREEK IDEAS ALSO MAKE HIM CRY!**


End file.
